“I am writing this so that if I died today, my daughters can learn from my mistakes, and so that whatever information they may stumble upon about me…there will be a version in black and white that will not alter in the retelling. F–k, I’m writing this so I can learn from my mistakes.”
Ultimately, she felt that she couldn’t truly move forward without chronicling her experiences as she saw fit, if not necessarily linearly or in true journalistic fashion. Working out the stuff in her head and putting it on paper left her more open to future possibilities than she’d been in awhile.
“I felt like in order to move into this new period of my life I needed to just let everyone know what’s up,” she explained to E! News’ Melanie Bromley in 2018. “….I wrote the book in a period of time where my marriage had fallen apart. Most of the friends I had were [Sam’s] friends and so I became isolated. I didn’t really have that many people to talk to. The book sort of became my friend.”
Asked if she felt more confident in the wake of finishing the book, Allen replied, “I don’t know if I feel more confident. I just have a better sense of myself. I’m a little bit clearer on what my job is and who I am…
“Fame is great, but if that is what you want then try to find out more about yourself before you get there—because if you don’t have a strong sense of self when suddenly everybody else has opinions of you, that can be a struggle.”
At the time she was dating Dan London—MC Meridian Dan—and said she was in “a good place,” but that relationship fizzled by the end of 2018 after about three years of dating. The second relationship, her marriage to Sam being the other, to fall apart while she was touring.
She hadn’t been messing around with escorts, as she had some years prior, Allen noted. “But I think that people deal with touring and stuff differently,” she said on Elizabeth Day’s How to Fail podcast. “And I’m a real home person—I love home comforts and I love my children and I love routine and so to be taken out of that and to be on the tour bus in the middle of nowhere without that sounding board and that person to talk to every day, I just became very lost.”